smart enough, i think of myself... right.

scheming is the name of the game (it's been for quite sometime now). hate the game. can't hate the playa.
well i'm almost there. inching closer towards suicide by the day.
i think im worth something somehow...
i just don't know why i can't bring myself to liking myself absolutely.
i have always hated cats.
then i remember one friend told me several years ago that how you see cats reflect how you see yourself. weird huh?
psychology bullcrap.

i was befriending aL too much to penetrate in to the circle...
my conscience is battling with my heart.
i'm not bad. i never wanted to take advantage of others' innocence for my own selfish purpose.
but he's my last bullet.
i think i've pushed my wicked little brain to the limits thinking of how to get closer to xtian.
i think i'm doing pretty good knowing more about him.
but my lack of expertise in these may have sent aL the wrong signals.
i guess at some point i also deliberately made effort for him to like me.
but the original plan was to be a close-knit friend to him so he can take me in to the group.
bad move. check mate.
ugh!

so now everyone's smelling the rat on the cake with aL's actions. my friends think soon he may be asking me out.
aL and xtian are really close.
if ever aL will take ownership of the feelings, it will further complicate things.
they will never fight over a girl.
they will never throw their friendship out the window because of me.
it will never happen.

so i guess we're nearing the end of the battle.
i've fired all my bullets. i have nothing else left.
and however the story ends, it would definitely be me on the losing end.

it had always been me on the losing end.